Visa Problems

You want to know the truth? Why else would you be reading this if you didn't? I have been trying to live my life these past few months under the premise of absolute honesty. Half truths and partial lies have been a part of who I was since middle school, and now I have been struggling to tell the truth, and nothing else.

The truth right now, at this moment and for the past few days, is that I am scared. I am afraid that I will have to go back, back to America... Home... While the prospect fills me with joy at the possibility of seeing my friends and family, of being where things are normal, where things are safe. I have found myself day dreaming and wondering what I would do if I did in fact have to go home. Then, like a door slamming down the hall, I am brought back to this moment. I am brought to reality. I remember why I came, I remember my desire to STAY, and I am torn. I feel disappointed with myself for entertaining the thoughts of returning with such a warm and pleasant attitude.

When I am brought back to the present, to the fact that I am indeed still here, I start to think of what being here has accomplished. What have I done? How have I changed anything? Have I been a good enough example of God's love? Has God changed anything in me? What? On and on with the questions and worries.

It has boiled down in my mind to this. What am I to learn from this experience? The situation is simple enough. Bureaucracy is complex and we are at the end of the rope with my visa. Down to 4 days before it expires, it is getting too close for my comfort and I am starting to worry. The lessons could be anything, but here are some guesses I have.
     One could be that God wants to test my patience and my nerves and yet show that He is in control. This would be accomplished by my visa extension being approved at or near the last minute. It would show that God finishes things in His own time, and that He does things when everything is ready.
     The other, near as I can figure, is that I am not meant to be here. Maybe I wasn't supposed to come here, maybe I was supposed to go somewhere else, or worse yet, stay at Walla Walla.

The only thing that I can do is pray. The problem with prayer is that I am so emotional,so confused about where I want to be, I don't know what to pray for. Should I pray to stay? Should I pray to go? The best I can manage is to pray for some semblance of peace and that God would lead me, showing me where and what I am supposed to do. I don't know what else to do...

Edit:

My biggest fear about returning home is that one some level it would represent some kind of failure. I am afraid that it will be yet another thing that I didn't see to the end...